Erdman

A Time to Define or Defy

by Pam Erdman, licensed family counselor and CPC member

If your personality is wired one way, and your child came out with opposite characteristics, you might feel that the inherent conflict is driving you crazy. But don’t worry. At least for the next few years, you’re not alone.

I was asked to cover how parents might deal with situations like that. But because when I’m talking with parents of 7th and 8th graders, that issues tends to get buried. Because even if they developed a rhythm with you, as a child, by junior high that rhythm is gone anyway. So whether parents and their children are wired differently, or are on the same wavelength, because they are teenagers, they are behaving differently anyway.

By definition, a junior high schooler has to be oppositional. They key task in junior high is to be identity defining. If boys and girls who are 13 and 14 years old continue on exactly like you or your family, that is not very defining behavior. They may feel part of this mushy whole, but what they want to do and what they need to do is to be separate and apart from you as a way of defining themselves.

So the primary, sanity-producing concept for parents of junior highers, is for you to know that you are not going to be alarmed by their changes or by their oppositional proclivities. In fact, you can really celebrate them.

When they ask for things that you feel are entirely out of line, if you understand this concept, at least you can tell your teen, “I understand why you’re asking for that.” Sometimes it helps just to understand. A key part of communication with anyone is empathy. And the number one way to communicate is to understand what teenagers are trying to achieve.

The second helpful concept to learn is how not to lose your relationship with your child. Sometimes, at this age, relationships can get strained. I believe that you not only can maintain your relationship with your sons and daughters but that you also can empathize with what they’re intending to do.

Then that’s the bridge builder. And with that said, you still need to set the boundaries for your family. The key issues we’re talking about are ones of respect. For example, sibling-to-sibling, parent-to-child, child-to-parent. The time when you are together needs to be respectful. The way we talk to each other, how our curfews are determined, the bedtimes.

Junior highers say, “Oh, I shouldn’t need a bedtime.” On the other hand, young teens need their sleep more than ever. And how you communicate those boundaries is critical.

If you do it with contention and criticism those boundaries won’t go over. But empathy and understanding goes a long way.

At this age, there is a horrible pull in a teen’s mind between parents and friends.

A teen can make changes in plans midstream. It might seem as though judgment is out the window. But it is important to remember that in boys and girls of this age, the internal voice - which used to be the parents’ voice - shifts to the voice of their friends. For teens, decision-making becomes incredibly difficult. Teens experience internal turmoil because they are pulled in two different directions.

It’s difficult to understand, but when we do understand what is pulling at them, we’ll be less judgmental and more sympathetic without loosening the standards.

We, as a society, are in the habit of scapegoating junior highers. We say there’s something wrong with them, but there’s nothing wrong with them. We need to lift that judgment. But that doesn’t mean we still don’t want to strangle them sometimes.

The culture of boys in junior high can be teasing-based. They get teased all the time, all day long. The cultural harassment is pretty intense. It’s hard to speak up. They don’t want to be mocked, or harassed, or to do anything that could bring any attention to themselves. I’m sure you’ve heard them say, at one time or another, “Mo-om! Why did you have to do that? You know that embarrasses me!”

So, try to minimize embarrassment whenever you can. At all costs, teens don’t want to look foolish in front of their friends. They won’t ask for anything. They struggle with asking for things from friends so try to coordinate logistical matters in detail and in advance.

Is this the most rebellious year? Not for all children. But if so, be grateful this happens in junior high. Some kids wait to go through it when they get to college. They can go through weeks when they’re just not focused or thinking straight. So, it they want to cut loose, this may not be a great time, but it is better to embrace the developmentally challenging years in junior high. I see people who are going through mid-life crisis in their forties. The destruction that comes from these crises because people did not have the time in their life to be rebellious can be major. If your teen’s grades are waffling, it’s better now than in high school. Academically, nowadays it is difficult to have a childhood because it seems you can’t really have a bad year any more. Some parents may be afraid their teens will end up at a J.C., and it’s not horrible to do that.

Pam Erdman
595 E. Colorado Blvd.
Pasadena, CA 91101
626-405-9045